When you are faced with something so big, so unexpectedly difficult, you never know how you will react until it happens. I find myself mourning something I thought I would have, digging in and pushing through, angry that life can be so terrible, amazed that life can be so beautiful, overwhelmed by the intensity of love that I have for my daughter. Life is just a giant paradox of emotions, feelings, experiences.
I think a lot about a video I saw about a couple who lost their newborn baby at three days old. Watching their pain took me back to the day when we weren't sure if Charlie would pull through. The Father said something that totally resonated with me, and still plays over and over in my head. "Through suffering is the most intense joy." or something to that extent. I am not sure if most people really 'get' it, feel what he is saying. I remember sitting next to Charlie's bed, her laying there and watching my Husband stroke her forehead and although we were suffering more deeply than anyone could imagine, I was so incredibly joyous that I could see him be a Father, even just for a little bit. I always heard that there is nothing greater than a parent's love for their child. Its so cliche but its true. And those without children will be like "Yeah, I get it" but you don't until you are living it. I don't say it to be 'holier than thou' type of statement but its just true.
Anyway, I am thinking about this entire thing because its Father's Day and seeing my husband be a Father to our daughter has made me incredibly joyous, even throughout this entire period of intermittent suffering. There is nothing wrong with suffering, its life. Life is to suffer. Life is to be joyous. Its because of that suffering that makes the joy all the more intense. I am so proud of my Husband. He is an incredibly wonderful man who has been a pillar of strength to me and is as patient as a saint. Cheers to all the wonderful Dads out there.
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